The most EVIL game EVER!!! (Sorry for your loss...)

Posted by Lord Publius |

Want to drive your friends and family insane with a deliciously EVIL little mind virus? Of course, you do! And I have one for you. It's called 'The Game.'

I was first exposed to this evil little mind virus while I was in the Army. Specifically, Advanced Individual Training at Fort Gordon, circa 2010. The soldier who introduced me to this game ultimately came to regret it because I became a sadistic master at making everyone else lose. In fact, I'm sure it played a part in ruining at least one friendship when I was in Korea. I don't really care though because that guy ended up being a back-stabber, anyway. (Seriously, F*** YOU, Trevor.)

The Rules

1.) Everyone in the world is playing The Game. (Sometimes narrowed to: "Everybody in the world who knows about The Game is playing The Game", or alternatively, "You are always playing The Game.") A person cannot choose to not play The Game; it does not require consent to play and one can never stop playing, either.

2.) Whenever one thinks about The Game, one loses.

3.) Losses must be announced. This can be verbally, with a phrase such as "I just lost The Game", or in any other way: for example, via Facebook. Some people may have signals or expressions that remind others of The Game.

4.) The Game NEVER ends, unless the British Prime Minister goes on Live TV and says 'The Game is up'. To my knowledge, this has not happened.

What is this game? Where did this game come from, anyway?

Wolfram Alpha

No one knows for sure where it originated. Some say it started in Australia or England in the 1990's. It may have also been created in 1977 at Cambridge University's Science Fiction Society, when they tried to create a game that didn't fit in with game theory. If so, they succeeded in that effort. Wherever it did come from, it can never be stopped. It feels no pain! It can't be reasoned with! And it makes me laugh like a Mad Scientist that just completed his latest invention that will help him to take over the world.

The Game is an example of ironic processing (also known as the "White Bear Principle"), in which attempts to avoid certain thoughts make those thoughts more persistent. Remember when the Ghostbusters had to avoid thinking about ANYTHING so that Gozer couldn't bring forth 'The Destroyer'... and then Ray thought of Mr. Stay Puft? It's kinda like that... No matter how hard you try, you will ALWAYS mistakenly think of it sooner or later.

There are early real-life examples this game in action. In 1840, Leo Tolstoy played the "white bear game" with his brother, where he would "stand in a corner and not think of the white bear". Fyodor Dostoyevsky mentioned the same game in 1863 in the essay Winter Notes on Summer Impressions.

Who would do such a thing to people?!

Maybe someone who's supremely bored with life? Your guess is as good as mine.

This actually sounds fun. How can I make people lose?

FarmvilleScrabbleJust make them think of The Game in some way. You can mention it indirectly in passing and make people think of it that way. You can put references to it in various online video games. I have seen that done before... It works for board games too. You can also do it on Social Media with a few pictures that have the words 'The Game' in it somewhere or something that will make the victim think of The Game. There are a few examples of the pics in question littered throughout this article.

I remember one particularly insidious way of making someone lose and it was that former friend from my time in the Army, Trevor. He had CQ duty when I came down from my room in the barracks one morning, dressed in civilian clothes for an appointment. It wasn't a happy time for me for a lot of reasons that we won't discuss. Trevor tried to console me and I took advantage of the opportunity. I said 'I feel like I just lost The Game', or something similar. He got that classic 'WTF?!' look on his face. I began to laugh for the first time in at least a week. He simply said 'I'm gonna let you have that one because it was pretty good.' And also VERY sneaky of me. I can think of a great many other examples of ways I made people lose, many of them involving poor Trevor.

In fact, such has been my LEGENDARY reign of terror that I sometimes made people lose without even trying to get them. At another time in the Army, I got one of my co-workers one day. I wrote out 'YOU JUST LOST THE GAME' in the NATO Phonetic Alphabet on a piece of paper just for my own amusement. Then, this co-worker of mine that we'll call 'RC' walks by my chair, stops for a moment and then says 'F*** you, Publius!' Aghast, I asked him why he suddenly felt the need to curse me. He replied with 'I had gone for 3 years without losing and you just made me lose, you bastard!' Then, he pointed to the piece of paper. I laughed at that for the rest of the week.

PatrickAbout a year and a half after that, I got another of our co-workers, a kid we will call 'Bob'. Bob did LOTS of stupid things. One of these stupid things was to leave some paperwork with his personal information on it lying on the desk in our offices. The papers were right there in plain sight and he was gone for the day. I wrote a note on it saying something like 'Someone might use this to steal your credit if we didn't all know just how badly your credit sucks.' There was an arrow pointing to the back of the page. As you can guess, I wrote out 'YOU JUST LOST THE GAME' in the NATO Phonetic Alphabet again. I put it on the refrigerator we had in this office.

The next day, he comes up to me and says 'F** you, Publius! You didn't have to make me Lose The Game!' I simply responded by saying 'That's what you get for leaving your Personally Identifiable Information laying around unsecured in plain sight. You're a soldier*, Dumb@$$! You should know better than that by now!' And then I laughed at him like Nelson Muntz from The Simpsons.

How often has someone made you lose?

QueenMany have tried. Virtually all have failed. One even tried to get me by asking me on Facebook if a local record store had a copy of Queen's 8th studio album, released in 1980. I simply told him to call the store and informed him that trick wasn't going to work. Nice try Ginger but, I'm too much of a music lover to go looking up the name of that album that you 'supposedly' couldn't remember. And since I did remember it, I knew better than to go looking it up so you can make me lose. Still, that was the most creative attempt anyone ever made.

The very few that have succeeded paid a VERY heavy price for their insolence. In other words, I got them back by making them lose sometime later. I might have also trolled them really bad with that Rick Astley song. Oh, the things bored soldiers do to keep themselves amused...

Now that I have exposed you all to the world's most insidious mind-virus, go forth and spread it some more. And I mean spread it like preachers trying to spread the Good News. Annoy your friends! Piss off your family! Get yourself fired from the bad job you never wanted to keep anyway! Go forth and show everyone what kind of LOSER you really are!

Trust me, it will be a barrel of laughs. However, you may want to be ready to run when you play this joke on someone. You might end up with an angry mob chasing after you... Or, in one case with Trevor, chasing after you with a knife in hand. I really shouldn't have tortured that poor kid once I found out he played The Game. It went too far sometimes. However, I was still laughing hysterically while he chased me down the Hill from the barracks...

So, be careful to only play The Game with people who are a good sport but, still play. Trust me, it is a barrel of laughs. ;)

Star Trek